Life is not always “Peaches” and cream…

It is a tragedy to learn about Peaches Geldof’s passing – as a new, young mother and one that adheres to the principles of “Attachment Parenting” (whatever this title means, I believe its because in my community I do all the “B” No, no’s i.e., Breastfeed my toddler, bed share and baby wear) this news has shook me to my core. I do not care to speculate on how and what may have happened, that is not my business to make judgment calls on someone’s lifestyle and it infuriates me to see the media backlash and ignorant conspiracy theories linked to her own mothers demise years before. 

What I can relate to though is being a young, new Mum in a world without a mum. It is a profound loss loosing your Mum and one no one ever really comes to terms with, this loss becomes an everyday weight when you become a Mum as you are reminded daily, however beautiful your life may now be, that there is a missing link to your lineage. 

Motherhood in itself, however fulfilling, wondrous, incredibly gratifying, awe inspiring it is – can at times feel completely lonely and isolating. I have held my baby on many a night, too terrified by his high fever, runny nose and persistent cough to dose – and so I stare at him, praying it is nothing serious and wishing I too could be held by the arms that always reassured me. It is in that moment that I wish I could pick up the phone and call my Mum for her to tell me i’m not alone. Or on the good days, which are more frequent when my baby comes running down the corridor to find me getting ready for the day, looks at me and smiles “Mama pretty.” And at night as I lay nursing him and he slips off my breast looks up at me and say’s “one more kiss mama…night night.” These events need to be shared with a woman who understands that breathtaking, heart thumping love and with whom I am eternally grateful for giving me life and love, so that I too can give life and love. But there is no one on the end of the phone!

Many woman tell me they can relate as there own mothers live in different states on countries and not to take anything away from them, it is completely unrelatable unless you have become a motherless daughter. There is always someone on the other end of the phone for these woman to reassure them or to challenge them (both necessities in life that make you feel loved and alive). But when the universe is empty of that conviction, when there is no one to call you can sometimes feel like a little lost soul.

Don’t get me wrong, my husband does rejoice in my motherhood moments and listens as I recount my day – and “Little Luke anecdotes” that surpass any other life events. But I see in other Grandmothers eye’s when they listen to their own daughters tell a story, I am missing something in translation. “Its a woman thing…its a mother thing!”

The irony is when you loose your mother at a young age, through the heartache and life’s uncertainties, through the walls you place to protect yourself, the declarations you make on love and stability – you subconsciously crave your own family to feel complete again and as Peaches so eloquently put it in her last Mother&Baby column “I wanted an anchor – I craved it.” http://www.motherandbaby.co.uk/2014/04/peaches-geldof-1989-2014

You long to feel rooted and secure again.

And even when you have that security, that unconditional “mother and baby” love, that happy home – it is important to remember that: Life isn’t always Peaches and cream…

So whether the two tragic passings, that of Peaches’s Mother and herself can be aligned, (I too often fear I will follow my mothers destiny of Breast Cancer because that is what life tells me in her mourning) we cannot focus on that – but rather rejoice and thank the stars she had a moment of true peace and love in her life after so much heartache that gave her reason again and hope – as my baby boy and new life has for me!

I wish her family long life and love again…