A little lesson I needed to learn

I spend so much of my time these days teaching and guiding, as you do with two little curious beings – whose survival is solely reliant on my ability as a mother to teach wrong from right, to not so good vs ok, to; leave it, thats bad…no, no, no…oh shit too late. Its ok, its going to be ok… or something like that!

Especially when my ability is hinged on the wings of one willful little girl… “Hey Lady look at me…” is her new go to line when we are out in public and she wants someone’s attention. Be it the hairdresser or the friendly lady that’s taken pity on me in the checkout line.

In the wee hours of the morning, this morning – I lay holding her. I held my eyes tightly closed (dare she catch me looking at her) I would try and judge when I could half squint an eyelid open to just watch her. My fear is if she caught me staring (as in the past) we’d be up running circles around the house even before 5AM with her new favorite game “I got you…” Miss Anya wakes with a thirst and joy for life that is unmatched by anyone i’ve ever met before. She dances freely people watching or not watching…she has a rhythm in her soul that beats loud and strong, it inspires me daily to enjoy my own life with the same passion. Before her day starts…every morning…without fail…She climbs up my chest and kisses me tightly on my lips “Morning mummy.” And then her day begins…”Lukey Up? Lukey Play!”

And then my other little soul…with tired eyes and the want and need to lay in bed and just be held before the sun breaks, responds “Ok Anya.” He is the pleaser…my never failing loyal strength. “Lets go play.” He is gentle, inquisitive, cautious – yet still extremely adventurous little boy. With a wisdom to him that is far beyond his years. He has a heart wider than the ocean and has taught me more about love and forgiveness in the past 3, nearly 4 years than any other experience or person has. A snippet of our conversation from the day to day could sound like this “Mummy that boy is sometimes not very nice.” “Well should I say something to his Mummy or the teacher?” “No Mummy, its ok he just needs our love.” Or “I understand Mummy when you get mad at me when I don’t listen, but we are always best friends.”

These two wee souls, along with their father make up the pieces of my heart. I worry daily on countless issues for them all. From skined knees, to the right schools or classes, to healthy meals, to their overall happiness, tiredness and so forth. I am after all their beacon, their point of call on it all. And if my ship goes down…Surely how would anyone stay afloat? An awful lot of pressure to put on one on a daily basis. And as of last week I’ve realized a lot of the pressure is completely unnecessary, draining and not healthy.

I guess you could say: it was this mama’s time to learn a lesson!

Last week our family was wiped out by the “2016 Tummy Bug.” A grand title for a stinking rotten BUG! I was the last to go down, as usual with most mamas – I was spared until everyone else was on the up. Which meant after 3 sleepless nights, one spent on the bathroom floor with Anya, it was now my turn…the first hour panic struck. Food requests were being made, nursing requests, playdate requests, TV shows and so forth. I was determined that they would not watch another TV show after spending the weekend in front of the TV recuperating from their own bugs…I quickly got down off that soap box. I then noticed as I hung my head over the toilet, that my hair was being stroked, my back patted gently. And even a bottle of water appeared next to me on the floor…my wild one year old, has observed and absorbed these gestures and is now emulating her deepest ability to mother. As I made my way back to my bed, Luke appeared “Mummy I watered down the gatorade like the doctor said, and crushed the ice just like Daddy. Can I get you toast? Gingerale?” A very practical 3 year old – who has watched and noted his father and is now taking control of our situation with both hands. “Thank you Baby,” I said as I pulled the sheets up over me. “No mummy, when I’m sick I don’t like the weight on my belly. Pull the blanket down.” He then proceeded to pull the sheet down to my legs and tucked it in, “Perfect” he said and smiled reassuringly. “Come on Anya lets go play.”

And like that – I was no longer the “Mother.” An eerie glimpse into the future (I hope not). More importantly I have learnt that these, young, precious souls are very capable, wise beings. Born with an inherent need to nurture, protect and love. These skills are not skills one teaches, although I often find myself desperately trying to teach them. These skills lay in each of us…

Humanity in its purest form in basically good. So why do we challenge ourselves to forget how to love? how to serve? how to give? Our wiser self knows when push comes to shove our survival is based on our ability to care and receive care.

Last week I surrendered to my idea of “Mother” and in return I was mothered in the completest form of love. This week I’ve let go of the unhealthy pressure to teach lessons and instead i’m receiving them two fold. You’d be amazed at how much our littlest can teach us.