“Mummy will you play with me…”

Its the new year – new commitments to oneself based on our own personal results from last years doings or not doings. Mine always include some sort of creating – last year it was the creation of my daughter and in essence my family, this year is a year of retrospect…what is it that tugs at my heart that I have yet to work on, add too or let go off. Last year I let go off a lot, purely because tiredness doesn’t allow me the strength to hold onto things anymore…I would love to say I found a new sense of enlightment, but in essense I was a sleepy mummy and couldn’t find reason or fault to argue with myself. But an interesting thing has happened, since I’ve stripped away all grudges, all agnst, ‘most’ fear I’ve discovered a new self…a quieter, calmer, confident self…I’m not sure about her yet as she doesn’t seem to fight time like an univited invader, rather she enjoys ‘her’ and the moments Time presents…perhaps this is my higher self…perhaps thats pompous bullshit…perhaps she is just me getting older and instead of treating time like a point I have to prove, I am enjoying her as the days and years become numbered. One thing she constantly reminds me of though…is the idea of fun, well really the idea of “playing.” You ask yourselves how can this mama of two forget the idea of playing, when she spends her days chasing a toddler and a baby who is discovering the world every second of the day. But you do…somewhere between graduating highschool and becoming a mother…playing didn’t feel real anymore, didn’t feel allowed. In fact when I was new to this Mummy business a girlfriend of mine suggested “Its not your job to play with your children, your job is to be their mother.” And so to me “Mother” did not play, “Mother worried, Mother provided, Mother cared for.” but mother was not allowed to play. This is damaging to the self whatever journey in life you are on. Giving up the gift of play, is giving up your inner child…

I have a toddler right now that is discovering the infinite possiblities of imagaination, one minute he is “Fireman Luke”, the next i’m “doctor Mummy.” Our house goes from the fire station, to a tree house, to a castle to a secret forest all in a morning session before naptime. Its amazing, there is fun, bundles of laughter, real fearful screams (when daddy is a moster dinasour) then there are tears, but mostly full hearted belly laughs as he gets carried away with world of make believe and becomes lost in the world of ‘play’…naptime is often spent in a lions den or fort. We have flashlit snacks, (snack time in the dark with flashlights). My closset is a world unto itself- as I hang up the clothes left sprawled on the floor yesterday I reminded myself of the hours I use to spend hiding in my own mums closset, or even the clothes, and shoes I use to try on and parade in front of her big grown mirror…the me now barely looks in a mirror as I grab yesterdays dirty jeans from off of the bedroom floor, a clean shirt that I can nurse in and a headband to tie my dirty hair up for the day. Don’t get me wrong motherhood is not some awful chore -I love every minute of it and I’m completely devoted as a mother – sometimes to a fault people will say…but this blog isn’t about my “motherness.” This post is about my ability or inability to truly laugh, love and play in my life…I thought this was a perfect reminder for the year 2015 as I divert down a journey to create a new peice of prose for children, to let go of any preconceptions of the roles I now play: Mother must laugh especially at oneself, Wife must have fun…(like I did way before children were in the picture and our lives became two ships passing in the night as we handed off sleepy or sick children to one another)…And Mia (yes I do still exist) must create and not loose the gift or belief in the ability “to play” to be anything I want at any given time. My Yoga teacher pulled me aside one day and said “I have a memory of you and your husband a couple years back when you were living on Valley…you guys were in the river one sunny, sunday afternoon and I was across the river in my back yard, listening to you two splash around as if you had no cares…the laughter echoed down the river to my dock and I wish someone told me and my Ex husband years ago to never give up on playful, pure, childlike Love…as that love is real and holds no expectations…don’t take your life so seriously now that your a mother and a wife…enjoy it.” I left yoga that day and swallowed hard this unprompted advice…was it that obvious from my mat that morning that Grant and I had exchanged harsh words, as life often taunted us…this comment though reflected on me thru my week as I began to evaluate the last time I truly laughed and had real “Mia” fun. When I went on my little jaunt in college of self enlightment…I ended up in the Colobian jungle with a Shaman telling me the same thing…he told me then I had been stripped of a childhood and therefore had forgotten a long time ago how to play, how to let go and have fun…this explanation made sense at the time as I was grasping for any straws that could tell me why it was that life felt gloomy and unfulfilling…But now how could this resonate? I am fulfilled… I am a mother to two beautiful children, I am a wife and somewhere between January and February I have found the time to sit and contemplate and write.

But although I do truly try to immerse myself in playtime with my children…the phone rings…the washing machine buzzes…dinner needs prepping…and I’m pulled away…such is life!!! I have perfected the “Halfway there” nod. Much like my days of acting on the stage, when I know which lines to deliver and on cue but catch me off guard and I am vacant and disconnected.

Where does this leave me and you as my reader…Perhaps playtime with my children is my end goal…perhaps playtime with myself is what needs to be addressed. And you – what is it that makes you laugh full hearted belly laughs? what is it that inspires you – so much so your whole body is alive with an energy and excitement you cannot avoid…and better yet (much like this post) you cannot explain.

My “Mia” moment today was writing this blog post…just before I pressed publish, I sat on the floor with my kids and played…point proven, I am alive, very there and very connected!

Time away from the roles we play in our daily lives – gives us clear perspective on the essence of our souls and allows us the freedom to “PLAY!”